How not to fall into feeling unlovable or lonely this year because you don’t have a Valentine!

Once again, February 14th is right around the corner. And this year, for whatever reason, you don’t have a Valentine to call your own. You may be single or separated, divorced or widowed. Unfortunately, so many of us who find ourselves in this situation fall into feelings of deep inadequacy and despair. We tell ourselves: “I’m not good enough; something’s wrong with me; I’ll never find someone.” The reasons why we’re “alone” don’t matter. What matters is learning how to address these feelings so that you embrace Valentine’s Day 2012 feeling the fullness of love rather than the black hole of emptiness and lack.

Here are 6 proven ways for you to be your own best Valentine this year.

1. Avoid the black hole. You may be tempted to judge or blame yourself because you are alone. Don’t do it! Say to yourself, as often as necessary, what your deepest wisdom knows to be true: “I am lovable and connected to everyone, forever.” You don’t have to believe it for this to work!

Cherish the daily miracles that might easily be missed: the smile of a stranger, the movement of a child, a lovely connection with a service person.

2. Buy Yourself the most beautiful Valentine’s Day Card several days before the “big day.” Then spend some time writing a heartfelt note to yourself and literally mail it to your own address. When the card arrives in your mailbox, enjoy opening it and reading it on Valentine’s Day. Inhale your message, feeling its beauty in your heart. Then let that radiate to your whole body.

3. Before Valentine’s Day, ask yourself: “How do I really want to spend Valentine’s Day and evening?” Do you want to gather with friends? If so, here’s a wonderful exercise: Pair up, either standing or sitting, with one person at a time. Face each other silently, looking into each other’s eyes for a few minutes.  Feel your connection. Repeat this with each person that has gathered together with you.

Do you want to be with yourself? Then call someone you love, or who loves you, or who you know needs love and celebrate loving.

Want to treat yourself to something special? Treat yourself to a massage:  feel the nurturing touch and enjoy.

4. On the actual day, buy yourself some ‘I Love You candies’ or long stem American beauty red roses. Silently say to all parts of yourself—especially to the young and vulnerable parts—”You are loved.”

5. Wish other people you know Happy Valentine’s Day. It should be everyone and anyone: the cashier at the supermarket, the baby-sitter, your car mechanic, the doorman, the postman or post-woman. You’re not wishing them for what you’ll receive but enjoy all the “Happy Valentine’s Day wishes” you receive
back from them.

6. Know this Truth: You can only truly love and be loved by another when you are masterful at loving yourself, just the way you are.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you always!

Lynda

Dr. Lynda Klau,
Founder & Director of
Life Unlimited: The Center for Human Development
www.drlyndaklau.com
1 212 595 7373

Imagine you’ve just been fired. Many of us would react to this situation in at least some of the following ways:

“I’m terrified.”

“I should have seen this coming.”

“I’ll never find another job in this economy.”

“Am I going to be homeless?”

“I’m a failure.”

Reactions like these reflect a fear-based survival framework for viewing the situation, whereby we filter the external facts of what’s happening through the internal lens of what we feel (our thoughts, feelings, beliefs and body sensations). In this way, our fear creates our reality, locking us in anger, powerlessness, and blame.

Mindfulness: A Tool for Re-contextualizing and Reframing

“People are not afraid of things, but of how they view them.”- Epictetus

Although it’s understandable why we might react from fear when facing the prospect of losing our job, or other challenging situations, mindfulness is a powerful tool that offers us the opportunity to make a radical shift in orientation.

Mindfulness is the practice of bringing our awareness to what we are experiencing in the present, both internally and externally, without judgment (Kornfield, 2009). It is a wake-up call to become conscious of the ways we perceive and respond to life’s situations. When we live mindfully, we shift our entire ground of being.

Here’s a traditional, easy-to-follow exercise to help develop your mindfulness during difficult situations (Klau, 2009). Mindfulness takes time to develop. It is an ongoing process. Be kind and compassionate to yourself as you follow these instructions.

Sit in a quiet room where you won’t be disturbed.

Close your eyes and focus your attention on your breath.

It’s natural for your attention to become distracted. When that happens, simply return to your breath.

While focusing on your breath, allow your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and body sensations to enter your awareness as you perceive the external situation.

Now ask yourself: What are the facts of the situation? What are my thoughts, feelings, beliefs and body sensations? How am I responding?

With practice, this exercise can bring us to our calm, reflective center. This safe-haven, in which we can rest and see more clearly, holds and contains everything arising for us in the present. From here, it is possible to deconstruct, re-contextualize and reframe our original fear-based feelings and reactions, honoring and embracing them without being their victims.

For example, let’s return to the original situation, where you’ve just lost your job. Rather than automatically reacting with fear, Mindfulness helps you realize and accept: “The only fact about this situation is that I don’t have my job right now. Everything else— my self-judgment, my fear, my blame, my anger, and the tightness in my body— is my feelings.”

We don’t have to meditate to practice being mindful. There are many ways to incorporate mindfulness into our daily lives. As we become increasingly mindful, we can begin to respond from a place of freedom and choice. In other words, we can act with resilience.

What Does Resilient Living Look Like?

The more mindful we become, the more we broaden and build several inner resources that help us strengthen our resilience (Fredrickson, 2001). These include:

Compassion: You hold the intention not to judge yourself or others. You are mindful of your self-talk. However, if you do judge yourself, you don’t judge yourself for judging. You are kinder and more supportive. If mindfulness brings the wisdom to see clearly, then compassion brings a loving heart (Neff, 2011).

Acceptance: You increasingly accept the facts, which you can distinguish from the feelings. Acceptance isn’t about “giving up”. It is having the strength to “let go” of control and stop fighting reality.

Openness: You’re progressively open to viewing even the most difficult situations as opportunities for growth. You trust that they have something to teach you, and you expect to learn.

Creativity: You draw on your power to visualize and create the results you desire. At the same time, in the spirit of acceptance, you are not attached or fixated upon your own expectations.

Living resiliently is more than just “bouncing back”. It is about shifting our perceptions, changing our responses, and learning something new. For example, a resilient response to losing our job might re-contextualize and reframe the situation in any of the following ways:

“I’m going to breathe deeply and take things one step at a time.”

“I may not like it, but this is the way it is. My first step will be to file for unemployment.”

“I’m not going to play ‘the blame game’. It’s not my boss’ fault or mine.”

“I’m sure that there’s a lesson or two for me to learn from all this.”

“It would be easy to get ‘just another job’. I’m going to find one that I’m truly passionate about.”

In Conclusion:

Living resiliently represents a whole new way of being and doing. In this way, resilience isn’t just for the hard times…it’s for all times. Empowering us to live, love, and work adventurously in the face of change, it builds a well from which we can draw for the rest of our lives.

References

Fredrickson, B.L (2009) Positivity, Groundbreaking Research Reveals How to Embrace the Hidden Strength of Positive Emotions, Overcome Negativity and Thrive, Random House, NewYork.
Klau, L (2009) Mindfulness: The New Zen of Time Management, GAINS Quarterly, Summer.
Kornfield, J. (2009) The Wise Heart, Random House, New York.
Neff, K (2011) Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind.
Siegel, D.J. (2010) Mindsight, The New Science of Personal Transformation, Random House, New York.

This article may also be viewed at http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/blogs/mindfulness-art-cultivating-resilience

Couples Counseling and Communication

Does this scene sound familiar?  You’re in a relationship. You want your partner to do something for you, but you never expressed your need. Now you’re angry because you didn’t get what you wanted.

At the beginning of our lives, as infants, we can’t communicate what we want. We have no choice but to depend upon others to give us what we need.

But we’re not infants anymore. As adults, we cannot realistically expect our partners to play the role of omniscient parents, magically anticipating and satisfying our needs.

A relationship is called a relationship because we are supposed to be relating, not mind-reading— otherwise, it would be called a “mind-reading-ship.” In order to build a mutually satisfying, mature relationship, each of us needs to:

• Become aware of our true needs and wants
• Ask for what we want in a clear and open way
• Accept the disappointment of sometimes hearing “No”
• Listen from our heart to what our partner asks of us
• Ask ourselves what is truly right for us and have the courage to respond to our partner accordingly.

The more you and your partner learn to communicate, share your feelings, truly hear one another, and co-create solutions, you’ll increasingly be able to embrace the differences between the two of you. This paves the way for true love and compassion.

“… Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.”

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Dr. Lynda Klau

drlyndaklau, 1 212 595 7373, drlyndaklau@gmail.com

Related articles

• Couples Counseling – Marriage (unlimitedlifeny.com)
• Marriage Counseling: “Being With” is Severely Underrated (unlimitedlifeny.com)
• Couples Counseling: When Being Right is Wrong (unlimitedlifeny.com)

Sometimes life places those we love in excruciating circumstances. They might be hurting, sick, grieving, or even dying.

As partners, our natural desire is to fix the problem and take away the hurt. But when we truly can’t “do anything in the face of such awfulness, we often feel helpless and powerless. This can be extremely hard for us to bear.

In situations such as these— in which “nothing can be done”— is there anything we can do?

Yes! We should never underestimate the power of simply “being with” our partner. This means being fully present and receptive to whatever our partner is experiencing without trying to change anything.

“Being with” is simple, yet not easy. Sometimes, it can be too painful to stay “open.” Be kind to yourself.  Notice when you can remain “open” and when you can’t. Don’t judge yourself. If you need to take a moment, do so.

In the darkest moments, this act of “being with” is perhaps the greatest gift we can give.

For more about Marriage Counseling please visit http://drlyndaklau.com/love_relationships.html

The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.

I’m not going to say anything about this. It speaks for itself.
Lynda

Questions for you:

Does Rilke describe your relationship? Does what he says resonate for you? What is one take-away you get from this? Let me know.

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When I heard my own voice crack while saying “I do” during my marriage ceremony over two decades ago, I must have had a premonition that I understood nothing about how to have a thriving relationship. Was I wise enough to read up on the subject? Did I reflect on what I had learned from my family or my cultural role models? I must have thought that I could just walk into a marriage  and live happily-ever-after. Perhaps many of us thought the same thing!

Think of it this way: To be a great skier, you have to take lessons and practice. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for a broken bone, not a glorious glide down the slopes. Building a vibrant relationship is no different.

Years later, after my divorce, I committed myself to becoming masterful at creating and thriving relationships and fixing broken ones, for myself and others.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that sometimes Being Right is Wrong!  So often many of us get stuck in one rigid position and that’s where we stay: stuck! In the realm of feelings and opinions, there is no “right.”  There is either open or closed, fear or love.

How often do you insist on being right? How often does your partner?  Why? Being “right” closes the conversation and the flow of energy between you. Then you become locked in opposite positions, with no opportunity to move forward.

Ask yourself:  Can I listen to the person in front of me from my heart? Can my partner listen to me?

It’s best when it’s a two way street.  You don’t need to agree: when there are two people in the room, you can expect two different opinions. But if you both listen to one another from your heart, allowing your differences, you will both learn, grow and be transformed together.

Questions for you:  Am I closing or opening the conversation? Can I have my voice and let my partner have his or hers? Can I agree to allow two different people to be in the room? I always want to hear your thoughts, dreams, visions, and winning tips, as well as the problems you’re currently struggling with that you need help resolving.   I invite you share with me on the Unlimited Life NY Blog or contact me personally @ drlyndaklau@gmail.com or 212-595-7373.

Couples Counseling: When Being Right is Wrong – By Dr Lynda Klau

What is Transference? In the broadest definition of that term,
refers to the unconscious act of redirecting or projecting the
feelings that we had toward our parents or early caregivers
onto people in our everyday lives. To say that it affects our
behavior constantly would be an understatement. Imagine that
your boss doesn’t look you in the eyes and it instantly makes
you feel exactly as your father did when he treated you
dismissively as a child. Imagine walking into a job interview
and finding that the person behind the desk talks constantly
about herself, which unconsciously triggers the way you felt
when your father incessantly lectured you without asking your
opinions. Lastly, how many times have you been strongly
triggered by someone, either positively or negatively, without
knowing why? The truth is that most of us react to these
transferential situations emotionally and unconsciously.
The “wisdom-perspective” would advise us to detach from the
situation at hand because our personal feelings do not reflect
the objective facts. One of the common catchphrases of the
wisdom perspective is “Don’t take it personally!” But what
happens when we can’t help but do so?

If we understand the
psychological concept of Transference, then we realize that
the “real” situation we’re dealing with often triggers
a “symbolic” one that is often unconscious, activating feelings
that arise from our past. By addressing Transference, we begin
to distinguish between what is real and what is symbolic,
allowing us to return to everyday situations with awareness
and choice.



Transference Exercise

Here is an exercise to be done in your own

private time and space, designed to help decrease the negative
effects of Transference in your life:


Step 1: List the people in your everyday world who “push your
buttons.”


Step 2: Select one person on which to focus specifically.


Step 3: Perform a review of your feelings about this person. Ask
yourself: “What happened in reality? Who in my past does this
remind me of? How do I feel about that person?”


Step 4: Now visualize a boundary and separate the “real” person
you’re dealing with from the “symbolic” person they trigger


Step 5: Listen non-judgmentally to the feelings triggered by
the “symbolic” person. For example, pay attention to the things you
might have wanted to say or do to someone from your past, but
which you never did. You may even want to write your feelings down
concretely.


Step 6: Return to the “real” situation. What has changed?



This exercise should be repeated as often as necessary. It brings us
back to the “real” situation with a greater sense of emotional freedom
and clarity. The more conscious we become of our transferential
responses, their effect on us will increasingly diminish. We will not
simply unconsciously react to a person or a situation, but we will
respond productively with awareness and choice.

Want to heal your obstacles or blocks, your depression, anxiety, self-
esteem issues, and more? Want to know what your transference
rating is? Contact Dr. Lynda Klau @ drlyndaklau@gmail.com. http://
drlyndaklau.com/psychotherapy.html
.

Psychotherapy: On Being and Becoming Whole

Some of the most leading edge work in psychotherapy these days combines mindfulness, the body, neuroscience, and relationship research. I’ll be teaching a course in this powerful approach for mental health professionals as part of The Association for Spirituality and Psychotherapy’s Year Long Certification Program in 2011-2012. Here’s the course description.

On Being and Becoming Whole

When we as mental health professionals combine mindfulness, neuroscience, and new relationship research, a synergetic approach emerges.

Several questions arise relevant to integrating psychotherapy and spirituality:

These and other questions inform this learning module, which draws from personal and professional stories as well as exercises and discussion.

• How does mindfulness contribute?
• How can we include the body?
• What does “brain-wise” neuroscientific knowledge add?
• What qualities can we develop to facilitate relationships that heal?

FREE OFFER

If you want to receive my hot of the press new podcast guiding you in a mindfulness meditation email me drlyndaklau@gmail.com and I’m happy to personally send it to you.

Sign up for the email newsletter on my official website for periodic updates and helpful information and resources.

Typically, Coaching is a strength-based, results-oriented approach, which stays away from any in-depth psychological approach. Unlike most coaches, however, I integrate psychotherapy and coaching when appropriate, viewing them as complementary modalities. This produces a powerful synergy that can help you heal past problems and current crises as you move toward your visions and goals.

All “thought leaders” and highly effective people need to discover and develop a number of foundational strengths and skills that will allow them to manifest their true passion and expertise. These include:

• Leadership Skills
• Communication and Conflict Resolution
• Self-Care
• Self-Management
• Managing People and Projects
• Having Your Voice
• Public Speaking

Uncommon Coaching, which I pioneered by in 1997, works with the most cutting-edge coaching tools based on the body-mind-spirit connection and the power of the present, bringing the depth of psychological knowledge to coaching.

As you work with me, you will:

* Become more fully awake and effective in everything you do

* Learn to regain life balance, reduce stress, and translate change into possibility

* Articulate your vision, develop your strategy for achieving it, and be supported in creating your program for success

* Anchor your connection to your deepest self

* Address thoughts and feelings that keep you from achieving your visions

Increase your “bottom line”

Learn more about this at my website: http://drlyndaklau.com

Business Coaching
Dr. Lynda Klau

I keep observing how so many of us in this world have lost our true voice, or
never really had it to begin with. How, then, can we reclaim it?

Our Western culture teaches that the personal self is the center of our
universe, the place where all of our competing, conditioned voices live. In
this model, the rational mind of the personal self reigns supreme. The first
step toward reclaiming our authenticity, however, is to embrace a more
expansive model of who we think we are and of how we view the world.
In truth, the whole of who we are is more than sum total of our personal
self, our “persona” and our “shadow.” It is necessary to deconstruct the old
hierarchy that places our ego above our core self, our heart and our body.
Once we realize that all parts of us deserve to be listened to, we can begin to
refocus our intentions and our attention upon reclaiming our authentic voice.

Our ability to impartially observe any part of us has been called
our “witnessing presence.” This refers to a place within us that stands
apart from our conditioned beliefs and self-judgments. It allows us to
differentiate between, harmonize, and ultimately transcend them. To develop
our “witnessing presence” just as we would any other muscle is the key to
emerging from our obstructions into an authentic way of living. From this
perspective, we enter a space in consciousness that is separate from our
identifications with the personal self’ s thoughts and feelings, but which
also respects them. This allows us to experience these beliefs fully without
becoming lost in them. From here, the authentic adult in us surfaces, the
person who can successfully integrate all of his or her conditioned voices
and selves, as well as open to fresh inspirations.

Imagine that you have been in business for fifteen years and you’ ve just
been downsized. Your savings are minimal and your expenses have not
changed: the monthly bills keep piling up in the mailbox, and no new
business is coming in. A common response to such a situation would be to
automatically respond with negative thoughts, beliefs and feelings rooted in
fear: “I will never be able to recover financially. What am I going to live on?
I will never be able to support myself and my family.” Harsh self-judgments
and blame typically accompany these beliefs: “This is my fault! I must have
done something wrong!” It is crucial to realize that these beliefs, whether
coming from the “persona” or “the shadow,” are just that: beliefs. Rather
than representing the entire truth about us, our beliefs account for only one
way of responding to a difficult situation. In reality, our deepest wisdom
does not speak to us judgmentally. When situations challenge us, it is the
authentic adult in us, supported by the “witnessing presence,” that keeps
reminding ourselves that our negative thoughts and feelings are not based in
actual reality, but in our default, conditioned beliefs.

Here’ s an exercise for you, which will help you reclaim your “ witnessing
presence,” the key to unlocking your authentic voice:

The following exercise is designed to launch you on your journey
toward reclaiming your authentic voice by helping you to develop a
strong “witnessing presence”:

1. Think of a situation that is currently a source of stress and conflict in your
life. For example, this situation could involve a frustrated desire to move
forward professionally or personally. It could also involve difficulties in
your family or in your romantic life.

2. Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. In your left
column, make a list of concrete facts describing this situation. In your right
column, list your feelings and beliefs about this situation.

3. Often, we are so entrenched in our feelings that we mistake them for facts.
Carefully examine each item on each list and ask yourself, to the best of
your ability, whether the “facts” are actually objectively true, or if they are
your subjective emotions or beliefs. Facts, for example, don’ t tell us “The
sky is falling!”— only feelings do!

4. Based on your findings, reconfigure the two lists so that you have a more
accurate reflection of what information is purely factual and what is based in
your own personal and subjective reactions.

5. Without judging, look at the column on the right, where you have listed
your feelings. Do they seem disproportionate to the facts? If so, try to
listen to them with the knowledge that these are your subjective beliefs and
feelings, not objective facts that define the situation or who you are.

6. Give yourself the space to inhabit and express these feelings on the page.
You are now beginning to witness your feelings without becoming entirely
identified with them.

7. Return to the “facts” of the situation with this new perspective. Having
developed our “witnessing presence,” and having realized that our subjective
responses to a situation are not a direct reflection of reality, we are in fact
developing our authentic voice, a tool of extraordinary power. The feelings
and beliefs rooted in our “persona” and our “shadow” suddenly become less
daunting. Their power over us is diminished profoundly because we see
them in their proper light. This offers the adult in us the ability to address
challenging situations from a more knowing, creative, and proactive place.
Life Coaching
Dr. Lynda Klau